Moments of loneliness, we all experience them.
They show up unexpectedly, uninvited and unwanted. They can show up when we find ourselves surrounded by a lot of people, or exactly because of that. They might last for flashes, or fill out a day or a night, or both. At times it seems they threaten to stay forever.
Loneliness feels to me like a huge mountain - overpowering, overwhelming, and frightening. I am in front of a mountain that feels invincible.
The loneliness mountain consists of rocks in different shapes that mark my heart with cracks. When I feel a lack of belonging, the rocks can be sharp and tiny shards cutting and slashing.
The rocks seem enormous and unmoving when I feel the burden to walk on my own through life, without a partner with whom to create something special.
At times it can be a crumbling rock when I compare myself to others and other lives and feel left out, not included and awkward different. It seems like the crumbles of the rock spread out like sand which grabs into the roots of my heart.
These moments can be challenging and when it happens to me the mountain feels too high to climb. Intimidated by it I try to hide behind it.
I realized that loneliness is a moment of separation from myself. And as a consequence of that, I am also disconnected from others.
I investigated this feeling over the years. Why do I have such a hard time to face these moments and hide? Why do I have a hard time to speak openly about my loneliness?
The answers I discovered were revealing, yet uncomfortable. My feeling of loneliness is connected to a lack of self-worth. Past memories of not being included and wanted, traumatic events that marked my soul caused this shameful feeling that I am not enough.
As bitter as this response felt, this was the sign pointing the way for me to be climbing up that intimidating mountain. I needed to focus on filling the cracks of low self-worth rather than fixing the loneliness from the outside.
The climbing journey took me inwards, in search of my essence. This was an expedition to become friends with myself and to find the most powerful force of my soul. I dedicated effort and time to explore this force.
What I found was my diamond, that one thing that makes me unique. It has been always there, but I have been too hard on my self to see the shiny sparkles.
Once I recognized my diamond as the foundation of my self-worth I could let it radiate. I noticed that the sparkles connected me with myself and with others. This powerful force belongs to me. No matter what, I can count on this special essence of mine.
Furthermore, I started to become curious about other's soul diamonds. Everyone has them. The soul essence is what makes every human so unique. I am amazed by the different kinds of diamonds that everybody carries and I highly promote to acknowledge them.
By acknowledging my worth I could found a sense of belonging to myself, which helps in moments of loneliness. Those moments are part of life and we all feel them. I also believe we should speak about them and investigate them, if possible without fear and shame. Categorizing loneliness as unspeakable enhances isolation.
Letting those moments of loneliness flow and move through while feeling sustained by my essence is an empowering experience for me.
I am aware that the loneliness mountain with its rocks in different qualities will present itself from time to time, but with the diamond within, I can climb it.
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